how to get unstuck (the recommended video before reading)
This is killing me. I’m devastatingly lonely. Don’t blame me it all on me. I’ve tried. Not only once but hundreds of times. I’ve been nothing but naive while. I feel kinda drown and pushed. FYI I’m not talking about being physically alone. I’ve got a ton of great and sweet people around me. What I’m talking about here is the state of mind. This feeling is not all strange to me. As all of us, including you, have hardship times which we feel lonely. However, what’s unusual, this time is it became permanent and continual. It’ not going anywhere for the last 9-10 months, stuck in me. Because of this, I can’t feel part of anything or anybody. I can’t get attached to anybody even though I push myself so hard to do so. What’s worse concerning this continuum is that it’s like, I got a hole, getting deeper and deeper as I try to fill it up.
Later today it got me thinking about the causes of this matter. Found one to blame on me, which is my expectations. Maybe they’re so big or unrealistic or just insane. With this, I recall one of the fundamental teachings of Buddha, which I love but failed to apply in my own life, which is ” all the pain and suffering in life come from two things. Expectations and desires that are not fulfilled.” I partially agree with this. Expectations that we shouldn’t have and which I uncontrollably have so much. But desires that I believe we should have. For instance, I desire to learn a new language, I might not expect this, maybe best I shouldn’t, but I decline to not have desires. They’re what drives us through everything. All in all, I consider this as my weakness and one of the deep-down causes of this devastating loneliness.
Ahh, I gotta tell you something before I forget. Do never attempt to unravel this matter with a romantic relationship. That I did and then watched it backfire. Even deepened and complicated things. I tried it because for once I wanted to believe in what “others” kept telling which was ‘love is revolutionary.’ That might be true but didn’t work for me. Maybe it’s just because I didn’t believe enough for it to be true. Now hours passed, it’s almost six in the morning. I’m not the kind to care about time a lot, but today I’m sort of listening to it. I guess I just wanna sleep now, and I know what I desire to dream about while sleeping. Last thing I’d like to tell before going;
I’m not bad as much as thought And I may not be good as supposed.